The Vote Tory Rap - Lyrics

Yo
UK General Election 2024
And the Conservatives need your votes
Especially young people
Which is why I am imploring you to vote Conservative
Through the medium of hip hop
I am a Tory gangsta rapper from west London
My name is MC Hammersmith
Straight outta Brompton
Thank the po-lice
Shoutout Michael Gove
Listen, yo, yo

General Election, a time for upheaval
And finally, a rapper who speaks for the people
I'm the one and only Conservative MC
Who puts the Tory into Notorious BIG
Voting Tory means voting equality
Which is evident in all of their policies
So let me rap for you voters with passion
Their pledges which - legally - don't have to happen

They'll get the economy moving for sure
Helping taxpayers, and those who choose to be poor
The Tories are the best economists in town
Look at this graph: inflation's going down!
Tories know health is a priority
Which is why they spent ten billion pounds on PPE
Their pledges are sensible, that is their purpose
Hence popular policies like national service
They'll take the youth of society
And give assault rifles to a Gen Z military
A generation famed for their lack of anxiety,
Their civil obedience, and mental stability
Transport and schools will have funding bestowed
Which have suffered recently due to… nobody knows
All policies backed by Conservative favourites
Who've earned your trust! And never betrayed it


Like Matt Hancock, who tried his best, be nice
Yes he broke the laws he wrote and and cheated on his wife
And caused thousands to die in care residences
But thanks to him, I now know what dyslexia is
And Boris Johnson, yeah, look, we get it,
But it's tough to be Prime Minister during a pandemic
Well, I imagine, no-one else has ever done it, yes
But I don't need comparisons to know he tried his bloody best
He's not an adulterer - he's just a shagger!
He's not a racist - he just wants reform!
We all make mistakes, I'd vote for him again
And he didn't hide in that fridge... he was just warm
Brits love a jokester who speaks candidly
The Tories have characters with personality
When we win this election opposing predictions
We'll party like it's Christmas! In Covid restrictio-

The Tories are a party of equality and stature
We installed the first lady leader since Thatcher
Theresa May defied the European propaganda
She didn't change her mind or switch positions or meander
Yes she caused Windrush, but now we know the answer
Deporting them was wrong: we should have sent them to Rwanda
And if to voting Tory you are still averse
Look, the alternative's worse! Labour will
Bankrupt the country!… like Liz Truss did
They'll raise mortgage rates!… like Liz Truss did
Er, they'll crash the pound!… like Liz Truss d- okay
You know what, actually… forget Liz Truss
Labour's just a party lacking calibre and vision
With its cluelessness and history of antisemitism
The Tories can't be antisemitic, when it's recognised
They've sent like half a billion pounds to finance Israel's genoci-

Defence operation!
Sorry
Defence operation!
Are you sure?
Really?
I mean even I can see that -
They're beheading kids!
Okay if you say so
Defence operation!

If we're being honest, in the last 14 years
Certain problems in the British Isles have appeared
Cost of living crisis, health inequalities
Seven hundred thousand more kids live in poverty
Shortage of housing, national debt's greater
NHS waiting lists have tripled since Labour
Food banks, austerity, no hopes or glories
And who's to blame?
Illegal immigrants!
These foreigners handsomely feed
They receive housing benefits and rapidly breed
There's no space for immigrants' children as well
I agree Suella Braverman and Priti Patel
But being British is about getting on
Being proud of this country wherever you're from
Tories want a Britain that's equal through and through
For people of colour, and normal people too

Speaking of which, the Equality Act
If you've met a trans woman - which I never have
You'll know they don't experience violence or hate
Put them in men's prisons, they'll be perfectly safe
And the NHS currently says it's on its knees
Due to funding cuts - er, financial squeeze
Hundreds die weekly because of this climate
But they could have lived - if they'd gone private
Thousands of criminals are walking our streets
Violent extremists at war with the police
A scourge on this country that spitefully festers
Knife Crime? Worse. Climate protesters
Eco-terrorists are the cause of divisions
Hence rising bills and our soaring emissions
Nothing to do with the fact the Conservatives
Cut insulation and blighted suppliers and
Deregulated the energy market and
Pocketed millions from climate deniers

Look, let's try not to dwell
Cos the Tories gave us Brexit which has gone really well
And if you want proof that the future looks sweeter
Let's turn to our fearless and really tall leader

Sunak's the best! I adore the guy's philosophy
The Toriest of Tories with a Tory ideology
A principled conservative whose values are unfettered
Dishy Rishi's true and blue, I've read his voting record:
He supports a lower income tax for higher earners
Israel and Brexit and restrictive rights for workers
Clamping down on picket lines and benefit dependents
And obviously any whiff of Scottish independence
He doesn't want to scrap this country's nuclear defence
Or cap the banker's bonuses or private housing rents
He's very gender-critical and that is just for starters,
So don't - oh no wait, this is Keir Starmer's

Look, the point is, the Tories aren't desperate
There's... tax cuts! For all the electorate!
On stamp duty, child care, and National Insurance
Funded by errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
So July 4th, go stand in line
And Vote Conservative - 'cos everything's fine!
And if you're not convinced, I'll make a promise
It'll be different this time you guys
Honest